ADVICE, ADVICE, ADVICE

WELCOME TO RICKEY'S ADVICE COLUMN.  IF YOU NEED ADVICE FOR A PROBLEM THAT YOU DON'T THINK MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF DRUGS COULD CURE LET ME KNOW.  SURE I'M NOT A "LICENSED SHRINK", I'M A HORRIBLE LISTENER, AND WHEN I WAS SEVEN I GOT STUCK IN A DRAINAGE PIPE FOR TEN HOURS, BUT SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF UNLESS YOU REALISE HOW BAD OTHER PEOPLE FEEL. (AND IM SICK OF MAKING OTHER PEOPLE FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES)

"Hey robert, sometimes I just feel to fat and ugly to get out of bed, especially after eating ten pounds of raw pork, while I was at your site I noticed that you must have lost a good 150 kilos or so, other than eating a lot of baking soda, how can I lose some godamn weight?" AW

Well, AW, I would like to begin by saying MAN YOU MUST BE REAL FAT!!!!  You know back in school I used to make fun of an obese girl name Betty.  Betty the Beast we called her.  Sure, we would do all the normal kid stuff, punch her in the stomache, cover her in Smittys brand "artificial animal drippings" and roll her down the town hill, bury her in cow intestines up to her head and spit down her throat.  You know the usual kid stuff.  Actually, her whole family was overweight.  Her mom was bed ridden and her dad died in a freak automobile accident.  He collided with a icecream truck.  They say he died trying to eat his way out. Well anyway, one day my buddy Franklin greased her up and slid her down the school floor on her stomache.  I guess that little stunt was more then she could handle because the next day she ate 8 bags of PoP Rocks and drank a case of Dr. Pepper.  When her mom found her, her stomache had swelled to the size of a Volkswagen Bug.  Minutes later her stomache burst and 250 pounds of skittles, candy corn and Dots were spread over a 23 square mile radius.  Needles to say we had an early Haloween.  I hope that might prove to be helpful AW and just remember its whats on the inside that counts.

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